Who is KAi?

Where do I even begin?

I am KAi with a capital A.    I am a singer and a writer.  I enjoy creating YouTube videos, blog posts, taking pictures and creating music.  I guess that is why I chose to major in Music in college.  I discovered at 12 years old that I wanted to make a career out of singing and I have been working hard at it ever since. 

I am one of four very unique children.

My family has always, always, ALWAYS, been supportive of my life as a performer.  Well, not everyone in my family.  I guess you can say that I come from a broken family, though I never thought of it like that until recently.  I grew up in a two-parent household with my siblings.  Though deep inside, I knew that our family wouldn’t stay together, we still had an amazing childhood because until we were older, we were never aware of the struggles that we were going through.  I briefly explained in my previous blog about what my family had gone through, so in an attempt to create a more positive and uplifting blog, I’ll spare you the deep details.  Long story short, I began to realize that my father and I did not have a great relationship once I hit high school.  He was not there for me physically, mentally and even spiritually.  I have been mentally, spiritually and occasionally physically abused by the man who was supposed to be my first King.  I watched my mother be mistreated and sucked dry by this same man.  When I was sixteen years old, enough was enough and my mom moved my brothers and I into a new home without my dad.  (My sister was away in college.)  I was very confused at that time; and quite frankly, I was scared, as divorce was one of my biggest fears as a child.  During those five months, my parents shared custody of us.  I used to pray for a miracle, that my parents would somehow make up and that we would all be a family again.  After five long months my parents got a new house and we all moved back in together.  I was happy, for I thought it was God ordained that we got the chance to reconcile what was once broken.  Later down the line, I learned that it was man-ordained.  It was not healthy.  One month in to us being a family again, my father physically assaulted me.  I can still hear my brother’s words and see the look in his eyes as he screamed, “DAD LET HER GO!  LET HER GO!”  I remember running and locking myself in the bathroom, afraid to tell my mom what had happened because I did not want her to leave again.  Over the next two years, it was hard for me to even get out of bed every day.  On almost a daily basis, I was being told that I was going to hell, or I would never make the rapture (I laugh about that now), that I was not good enough to make it in the music industry or that I was a horrible child.  I cannot exaggerate when I tell you that all I have ever wanted was his approval and I tried extremely hard to be a kid that he could be proud of; and he just tore me down every chance he got.  I remember my mom asking me almost every morning if I was depressed.  I wish I had been honest with myself because I could have received the help that I needed a lot sooner.

            Let’s fast forward to being twenty years old.  At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, it was the end, and this time, there was no coming back.  My parents were getting divorced.  I was devastated.  I was alone at school while an ugly divorce was taking place back at home.  My siblings were separated and my parents were battling it out in court.  On top of all of this, a friend of mine had lost their earthly battle with cancer.  I completely isolated myself that year.  Nobody knew the pain that I was going through, and hardly anybody ever reached out.  I felt like the one time I truly needed some shoulders to cry on, nobody really knew how to be there for me.  I had always been the shoulder to all of my friends, but during this time, I was weak.  It was to the point that I was living just to go to school, come home and sleep, go to work, go to sleep, sing on the weekends and go to sleep.  I was not going to church, or live streaming; I even slept through an audition.  Make up and hair done, in my clothes and everything.  I was passed out, and that was NEVER like me to miss an audition or singing opportunity.  I was depressed, and I hated to even admit it. 

Summer Break of 2015

I desperately needed summer break that year.  But that too was tough.  My mom and I are constantly told by other mothers how they look up to us and admire our mother daughter bond.  However, they have no idea about the complete heartache that we went through the summer of 2015.  I truly believe that we were the two that wore our emotions on our sleeves during the last months or the divorce and the weeks leading up to her big move.  I won’t go into too much detail about this either.  Most young girls go through this emotional period with their mothers when they are teenagers.  Mine did not come until I was twenty.  There were lots of petty arguments, crying, and I even had a panic attack when no one was home because I was so hysterical.  I just think that the divorce was weighing so heavy on us and we did not know how to comfort each other.  Thank God for third parties though because there were so many times when my aunt would drop everything and come over to be there for us.  When my mom told me that she was moving back to Florida, I was stunned and at peace at the same time.  Is that even possible?  I was stunned because for twenty years, all I had ever had was my mom.  I only went to college an hour and a half away from home and I could see her whenever I wanted.  I was stunned because I felt like my home was being ripped up from under my feet.  Where am I going to go when I come home from college?  Who will I spend the holidays with?  I don’t really have family in Kansas City and I did not want to always impose on my friends for the holidays.  I was also at peace because I knew that with mom going to Florida, we would be guaranteed to see our other side of the family more and that my 86-year-old Grandfather would no longer be by himself.  I like to say that mom receiving a new stay at home job was the biggest blessing that we never knew we needed.  We didn’t know in May 2015 when she got the job that she would be leaving at the end of the summer.  So even though we had a tough time that summer, her presence at all times was needed more than anything. 

During my mom’s final days, my aunts and God sister set an example of the kind of friend I want to be going forward.  Due to having car problems at the end of the summer, I had taken a rental car to move into my new apartment at school, but needed to return the car home in Kansas City.  I was not supposed to come back home before school started, but this was God ordained.  It was my mom’s last weekend in Missouri.  Both of my aunts spent the weekend at mom’s house helping her pack the rest of her belongings, laughing, crying and reminiscing.  I’ll never forget the three of them sharing a single mattress on the middle of the empty living room floor during the last days.  To me, that represents a best friend and sister.

My mom moving back to Florida has forced me to spread my wings more than ever.  It has also taught me that even though she lives across the country, she still goes hard for hers.  She has flown in for my biggest performances, she was the one I called when my car broke down on the highway, she’s the one I call when I need to cry, and she is still the one that I call when I need advice.  After the hell we’ve been through, and I haven’t even scratched the surface of what we’ve been through, we have made a promise to ourselves.  We are no longer going to sit and let life pass us by.  We are going to see the world, we are going to enjoy life, and no one is going to stop us. 

            I believe that I have made it to the light at the end of the tunnel.  That is not to say that there won’t be any more trials that I will have to go through in life, but I made it through one of my biggest trials yet; and I am strong as ever.  I will say that going through all of that, I have less tolerance for B.S., which may make me seem petty, but I have grown so much in my 22 short years of life.  When strangers talk to me, they always say, “Whoa!  You sound so wise for a 22 year old.”  That is because they don’t know all the life that I have experienced so far, and I have so much more to learn.  And while I am learning, I will be happy, loving, adventurous, and a better woman!

I Am Unstoppable.